It is OKAY to Start Over
My second chance
Gregory Alan Isakov sang “If it weren’t for second chances we would all be alone” in his song Second Chances. I was lucky enough to go to a concert of his at CU Boulder where he played with the orchestra - and Isakov hit the nail on the head with those lyrics.
Whether you think back to your first love or a recent argument with your significant other - we all are given second chances, because as humans we need a second chance after we fail at the first chance.
Failure is part of the human condition and, failure is where, as an ex teacher, I will tell you - we learn. Without failure we are not human - and we do not grow, evolve, adapt and become better versions of ourselves. There are many forms of failures - but few hold the stigma that divorce does. The failure to make a marriage work - that failure can truly devastate.
But I want to tell you right now - IT IS OKAY TO START OVER - and more importantly, it is possible to start over. And, that - the end result is beautiful.
My first marriage is a tough conversation to have - we were both very young when we got married and very pregnant (or at least I was!). We were married for 17 years. I feel we both tried very hard to make things work. I can also say we both loved each other tremendously. At the end I was no longer safe in my own home. I am a domestic violence survivor. It is easy to judge me, it is easy to judge him. However, I have deep compassion and forgiveness for my ex and for myself. It is in that forgiveness that I have been able to heal and grow.
Starting over was one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life. Starting over felt like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking into an abyss and trusting myself to jump with complete blind faith G-d that I would land.
There were so many petrifying firsts, dealing with the DA, getting restraining orders, the stress of pending court dates, rumors and gossip rampant in my neighborhood, hurtful things said on both sides of the family, shame and judgement that felt it would break me, packing up and leaving a house with broken windows and blood stains on the floor and finding a new clean start for my kiddos and I. Finding therapists, finding the kiddos new schools, changing jobs, trying to hold jobs as the single parent in the household. Fumbling constantly trying to find a way to heal. In short, there were very dark days. People like to tell me how strong I am - but strength comes from having no other choice, but to get up day after day and put one foot in front of the other not knowing where you are headed - just hoping it better than where you came from.
As a photographer I gravitate towards light - so even in my darkness I sought the light. A couple years after the last assault I met my second husband.
We met on a very cold January evening for a drink and an appetizer. I can remember the way he looked at me and tripped over his words. I remember leading him to the table, because he seemed to shy to lead me. I remember leaning on his arm through out the night to get a little closer. I thought he was nerdy, quiet guy with a cute smile the first date. I later found out he was floored by how pretty I was and it messed with his confidence - I love how he tells everyone how he could barely speak when he first met me. He always makes me feel special and loved. My husband brought an immediate lightness to me from day one. He makes me laugh no matter how rough times can be. And like I said, I gravitate towards light.
We fell in love pretty quickly - in the way that you only can after you have loved and lost, the way you can only after you have tried to date and had to find yourself before you were ready to find another - the way you only can when you truly feel G-d put you on earth to eventually collide.
We have been married less than a year, but my home is where ever he is and I could never have gotten to this second chance and this place of complete happiness if I had not been through my journey to get here. I am grateful for every dark night to end up in my husbands arms. I am mostly grateful I did trust myself to take that leap into that unknown.
I still believe in love (maybe even more than I used to), I still believe in marriage (sometimes it takes a second try) and although I will always feel that failure from my first marriage I am grateful for second chances.
